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Monday, October 18, 2010

Right To The Core*

I couldn't keep from floating away, she jailed my gravity and magnetised my entire being to the centre of her soul.

I realise that love isn't about falling, its not getting deeper into that person. Love is instant, its seeing that person, and you can't fall because you're already a part of her. You can't get any deeper because you're at her core, you're living on her heartbeat. Everything that happens after that, keeps you alive, it makes sure your head and heart are filled with a timeless video stream of every moment which has the power to eventually block out the hurt.

For the time being, I trust my soul to wonder around freely, surviving on that video stream and trying to resist the magnetic force of a previous heartbeat...

If it doesn't swallow my soul entirely from the first breath, I don't find it worth pursuing. I want a love that I can't keep my core away from. Something that keeps me alive, gives my soul a heartbeat.

I want a love that lasts forever<3

A New Painted Smile

Firstly I have to apologise for not writing in soooo long, but I have been extremely busy!!

Here's just a few things I've been doing:
-Gay Pride: this year was possibly even bigger than last year but heat definitely put a downer on things:( none the less, we ran around, took photies, broke gay sticks (not my fault) and then had thee worst Seattle freezo thingys after.
I think after some sun damage, going to two 21st's was NOT a good idea because by the end of the night I was so exhausted I was acting irrationally and riding on the bonnets of moving cars (which, I might add, is tougher than it looks)
All I can say is Colly, Nats, Nic and Candance in their bra's= haaaaat:p (they got hit on by more lesbians than me)

Then we fast forward a bit and arrive at this previous Monday...

I'll start by saying, I have recently gone through a decent amount of emotional turmoil...

So I decided this week would be one for the books (which it was)
I ended up going out every night of the week, this included : Greenside, Q-ba, Manhattan, Hooters, Tao and a Big Fat Greek Wedding. I have now discovered how fun it is to not wear underwear and also that drinking 7 nights in a row, lowers your alcohol intolerance. Oh and Jew people aren't as bad as I used to think and I've found a new love for them, especially papa Jew Crs;)

Ps. CCHQ is NOT what it used to be. Sigh.

* * * * * * * * *



I also learned a few things about myself...
I realised that there are no people that I hate. Not even the people who might have hurt me more than anything. Not even the people who I trusted the most and they broke me completely. Yes, I may be seen as the pathetic girl whose cries over people instead of just taking action and getting revenge. Or even hating those people. But in my opinion, hate is for the weak.

It is so easy to hate someone. It takes nothing out of your life.
But to love someone, even after they've crushed you, takes the most courage. Think about how many people become hardened after being hurt and then think about the people who have had the toughest lives and yet still continue to love with an open heart... Those are the people I look up to.

Love is the strongest emotion of all and the most hurtful. So to keep going back to it, takes guts.


So the next time you see a crying, pathetic person, who just can't move on, please don't look at them as being weak, because they are stronger than anyone else. Those are the people worth having in your life.

Unconditional love means forgiving someone no matter how they've hurt you or what they've done. And I'm proud to say that I believe in unconditional love and even though my heart is breaking, I will never stop believing in love.



I promise I will never wait this long again to blog<3

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Moving On

*I apologise if any of my previous posts have put a downer on your mood.

Moving on

This past weekend (despite my personal termoil) proved to somewhat very exciting.

On Saturday, I was asked to be in a music video for my friend's band, The Cavalier. Oh boy was this just about the most daring thing i've done in terms of my body...haha... Let me set the scene for you.

So the whole concept was about a nerdy school boy, who orders XXX-Ray glasses and then proceeds to wear them at school. This is where I came in.

So at about 7am, myself and six other girls are standing on an open field, all nervously mumbling about what was about to take place. We are told that the first scene is going to be us, dressed in tracksuits and warming up for cheerleading practise. This was a relief considering it was almost freezing and we hadn't had enough Jagermeister yet.

Scene1: Okay so we are basically a cheerleading team, right out of Not Another Teen Movie/Bring It On, with dumb blondes, Cheer-captains, girls who only joined because there wasn't a gymnast team and the I-don't-really-give-a-fuck girl who would rather be sitting at a strip club.

And so we cheered (not very well, or in synch for that matter) but we did so regardless. After a few takes, we were told to get eady for the next scene.... This is where things got heavy.

Scene2 : We were now told to strip down to our lingerie. Yes. Lingerie. And if you know me, you'll know that not even my own mother has seen my in just my underwear. When it comes to my body, I've always been a bit more on the conservative type.

So we do as we're told and get into our lingerie and stripper heels and stand basically naked, in freezing weather, trying to look sexy for the camera. You could literally hear the sighs when the director shouts "thats a cut" and we run to our tracksuits for comfort.

Scene3 : This was your typical school day scene. School uniforms, Schoolbags, talking in the corridor and of course, trying to hide our lip rings and tattoos. We were told to act as if we're average schoolgirls, making our way to class and talking to our friends. This was done with a few swigs of Jagermeister here and there, just to warm us up for what was to come....

Scene4 : Instead of average schoolgirls walking to class, we were now scantily clad, sex objects, walking towards the camera in slow motion, biting our lip, playing with our hair and all at the same time- trying not to trip over our high heels. By now, I was almost fully used to the idea of being in my lingerie, because I realised that every other girl, was just as insecure about her body and so we took this opportunity to get more comfortable with each other and our naked-ness. This worked well for the scene that was about to come.

Scene5 : PILLOW FIGHT! Thats right, every man's fantasy - lingerie baring girls, jumping around, hitting each other with pillows, fans blowing, feathers flying everywhere and us having the best time imaginable.

It wasn't long until we completely forgot about the cameras and just started having fun, the way we did when we were all still little girls. The scene ended with feathers stuck in our hair, sore stomachs from laughing so hard and just in time for lunch.

Scene6 : We weren't at all surprised to hear that this scene was also to be done in our lingerie, but we didn't even care, we were having the time of our lives. This was the library scene where we all got to do a sexy pose in our own aisle, the first time we weren't all together, but the laughs could still be heard.

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The day ended with us not wanting to put clothes back on, we had gotten so comfortable in our own bodies that we were getting dressed in the parking-lot, in front of each other. I just want to thank you girls for making it one of the most exciting days i've ever had!

Max: You have the filthiest, straight forward mouth, but you made everything so much funnier. You and Gaby are totally undercover lesbians:P haha and I must say, you lesbian comments just made my life!

Bianca: I'm NOT your babe:P eventhough you were feeling rough from the night before, you brought your game face (even if it ws as a dumb blonde) and I guess we showed that blondes do have more fun:)

Caity: Possibly thee smallest girl i've ever seen (and the palest), you just made everything so cute, even in your granny panties haha

Jay: The Megan Fox look-a-like who stole the show:P I was kind of scared to speak to you when I first saw you, but then when we were put together for the one scene and we started talking, I realised you are so down to earth and taught me a lot about Venus and the trouble its causing.
P.S- I'm sorry about you and your boyfriend.

Gaby: Princess what can I even say about you? I don't think I could have done it without you, you're always there to support me and make me feel better about myself and I truly LOVE you<3 Friends forever? k I love you byeBYE.



SUNDAY was my cousin's cd launch and I had the honour of dressing her. It was all so exciting being around the press and getting to say she's my cousin. I really think she's going to go far, she's extremely talented and has a beautiful soul and I'm so proud of her!

P.S- sorry for crying:*

I also have to thank Kelly Grobler, who I spent every night of the weekend at, including Thursday and for her being the best host ever!!! Dude I'm so excited for PRIDE:D and I can't wait to do our float!

Overall, this weekend taught me so much about myself and I think I'm learning to appreciate the small things in life<3

Wrong Places

When I started my blog, it was with the intention of sharing my words with people and to get more experience in writing. But as it has progressed, I’ve noticed people are now using their blog in an attempt to justify their actions and their feelings.
So let me just start by saying, this is NOT a justification of my behavior.
Reading other people’s blogs, I have picked upon a very common pattern, they all use it as a medium to soothe their own conscience, which to me, just shows how guilty they must be about their actions and feelings to begin with. If they feel the need to justify themselves on a page that is read every day, by the very people they are directing their blog at, that’s when you shouldn’t take notice of what they’re saying, because that’s just a prime example of their “defense mechanism.”
Instead, you should listen to the things they’re saying in every other part of their life, listen to the hidden lines their hearts are wrapped in, because that’s when you get to see their true desires, their true wishes, their true selves. It’s in those lines that I trust my hope.
Again. I do not wish to justify myself. You have read my thoughts, you know what’s on my heart and how I feel. And if you think you don’t know me, that’s just because you’ve been looking for me in all the wrong places.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Venus

Coming to the end of this week, looking back at all that has happened, I feel that there is no other way to explain these happenings other than on some kind of higher power. That’s why when I recently spoke to someone and they mentioned that this past week has been one for heartbreak, due to something to do with Venus and it not behaving itself, I started to see things in a whole new light.
I’ve never been one to believe in what the planets have to add to our daily lives or that they hide some sort of secret message that only a few may decode, but I’ve come to a point where I can’t find any other reason for my life to fall apart in such a short amount of time, than to think that I had no control over it.
I guess that when it comes to love, egos shouldn’t come into the equation. And so when I say this, I say it with the risk of exposing that I have no reason to be egotistical and that instead, I have more right to feel insecure than ever. I recently found out that the person whom I couldn’t think about living a single day without, whom I made my world, whom I loved and continue to love and be inlove with, is no longer inlove with me and that this ‘falling-out-of-love’ took place quite some time ago.
People can tell you that you’ve changed, but the truth is, you’re the only person who can decide how you really feel, and if how you feel hasn’t changed then I think its safe to say that you haven’t either. Sometimes our reactions change as an act as to defend ourselves against the actions of those around us. The sad part is that sometimes when all you need and hope for is change, and it still doesn’t happen. You hope that the fact that you will never get over a certain person will change, but it won’t. you hope that every time your heartbreaks, it will get easier, but it won’t. you hope that she will come back and love you the way she used to or even look at you the way she used to, but she won’t.
I used to think love was unconditional, until I realised that something that special, only happens once in a lifetime, and if its not your turn, you can’t do anything to change it. You have to let that person go so that they can find their true unconditional love, even though it feels as if you can’t breathe without them. Even though its going to break your heart so bad that it may never be put back together again.
People don’t change, their feelings do. But what you have to realise is that if someone doesn’t feel the same anymore, you can’t keep them away from their happiness, you have to let them go so they can find someone who means to them,what they mean to you.
People have always made mistakes, that’s where the saying “we’re only human” comes from. and some mistakes, you will spend your whole life regretting. The thing is, if someone loves you as much as they say, those mistakes shouldn’t alter their view on you. They should stick around through it all, they should be able to forgive you for all the times when you didn’t make mistakes, for all the times when everything was going well, for all the times you knew you never wanted any other person than her. For all the times you knew your heart was going to break, but you thought she was worth it.
I stand here now, stripped of any pride I once possessed and I say this with any ounce of hope I have left in me:
I believe there will be a time that you will come back to me. You can call me a dreamer and you can tell me I’m stupid, but I just think that if you love someone enough, enough as I love you, hope is all you have, hope is the only thing that still connects me to you. And if you move on, I want you to know that I forgive you for everything and that I will never hold anything against you. And if you do come back to me, I will love you more than I ever have. I can’t see me living a life without you in it, but I can’t see you living an unhappy life either. So if at the end of the day, you realise that your true inner happiness will come from me not being in your life, then I would rather have my heart breaking and knowing that you are happy, than having your heart breaking and me being happy.
People come into our lives for a reason and I will never regret having anyone in it, even if I ended up losing them. Some say they “want to marry you under cherry blossom trees” some say they “want to be your friend forever. To always be there for you” and even though things happen and these words no longer apply, I edge you to please not give up on people, even when they give up on you. Maybe some of them just need time to realise they miss you, or some of them realise that they can cope without you, either way, they were once in your life for a reason and that reason is that you at least meant something to them for that amount of time, you meant something to their everyday living, even if that time hasno come to an end.

Anyway, I think that’s enough of me being emo. And now I have just realised I started biting my thumbs again even though I tried so hard to stop (and have been successful for the past three months or so). Sigh. I am very glad to say that in about 9 hours, this week will officially be over and hopefully the sun will start shining again.

Just remember to love, even if it’s the only thing you do. Just love. Because even if it doesn’t change anyone else’s life, it could change yours<3

Monday, September 13, 2010

Believe

Another weekend. Another blog.


I am proud to say I finally put an end to my granny-like-attitude, and decided to shake off the cobwebs and go out. And what a great weekend it turned out to be

On Friday, instead of brushing off any possibility to have fun, I decided to subdue to my friend’s wishes and attended The Stella’s gig in Rosebank. I think its easy to say that evening started off on a very awkward note, but after realising that life is too short to hold grudges, it took a turn for the better. Overall the night was full of laughs, pretty pictures, even prettier friends, crowded spaces and big dance moves and to top it all off, rekindled friendships<3

Saturday and Sunday, were spent volunteering at the Italian Club’s Festival Italiano and all I can say is that Italians know how to PARTY! I met some amazing people and had so much fun, stealing security jerseys with Chanel (AKA Channel) and going to every car and asking the people if she can strip search them, blowing up “banana” shaped balloons with Dom and totally hanging out with one of the Locnville brothers (AKA-Dino, who just happens to be a locnville look-a-like) and screaming “oh my gosh, its LOCNVILLE” every time he walked past, just to see the girls get all excited (and to see him blush). Having boys (I say boys because men really don’t exist) hound me about being a lesbian, and I realised this is a reflection on how insecure they are, not a reflection on what I am. And I am, of course, proud to be gay and take comments such as “you’re too pretty to be a lesbian” as a compliment. Even better, I get to walk away with a smile on my face, knowing that I am no longer affected by close-minded people and then spending the rest of the night, dancing on the stage with so many people I now consider friends and not leaving until we physically couldn’t possible dance anymore.

And just like in the fairytales, my weekend ended, laying on the grass, watching fireworks, and not helping, but to just smile.

Asbo: I never stopped loving you. Ever<3

Candance: here’s to hoping we share a life-long friendship, the second time around. IP<3

Cleo: thanks for every memory we have and for every time you made me smile. Even through all the sad times, the tears, the distance, you’ll always be my best friend<3 smts forever<3

And to the rest of my friends, I couldn’t be luckier to know such amazingly beautiful, caring and protective girls, like you. Vamps forever? Deal<3

• You may not always get what you want, but that doesn’t mean you should ever stop believing<3

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Dreamer

She looked back on all the never-ending nights she lay there with all the windows open. The stars came dancing in one by one and the moon, always smiling and humming that old familiar lullaby, made sure to shine on her adolescent face, bouncing off her saddened eyes which always became bigger when her heart was full. She had the ability to compress reality and fantasy and get lost in both. She spent her childhood sleeping on the Milky Way and following fairies. She was untouchable and at the same time, so breakable. She made friends with everyone, it didn’t matter whether they existed or not, they believed in her. There was no such thing as broken hearts because she knew that the love she had, would always be enough.


She’s all grown up now. She traded her adolescent face in for a worn-out mask. Her Milky Way for an empty bed and when she needed her friends the most, she discovered that none of them were real. She walks around denying she’s a dreamer, pretending that she’s still alive inside, trying to fit in. There’s still one thing her twisted mask can’t hide, her saddened eyes, which still see the dancing stars and smiling moon every night. See, her dreams gave up on her a long time ago, but even while holding her broken heart, she’ll always be the dreamer, she was from the start.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Crocs, Jeggings, AC/DC and buttercups.

I would just like to start this off with something I feel very strongly about: Crocs and Jeggings.


I know when I say this; I’m not just speaking for myself. Fact. But this Croc frenzy is now reaching new heights. As if it wasn’t enough to create something as torturing horrid as the original Croc, they have now come up with “new and exciting” editions such as the Croc Pump: Crumps. Or how about the Croc takkies: Crakkies. Just how far are they willing to go in order to launch universal Crate (Croc hate)???

And on another note, Jeggings. Jeggings? Were they being serious when they decided to create such a name? don’t get my wrong, I have nothing against jeggings. I actually quite like them. But how on Earth did they expect to be taken seriously with a name like Jeggings? Even I giggle at the thought of a grown woman saying “jeggings”. JEG-GINGS.

Or maybe it’s just me…

I NOW HAVE A NEW MISSION IN LIFE: to get another tattoo:D I’m going to start saving and errrthang:P oh and I have also now found a new calling in life… Song writer/Stylist… Well actually this is all for my 16 year old cousin who just happens to be an AMAZING singer. She usually goes by the name Peyton Amber, but to me it’s simply just, fag. She has actually just released her first album and is in the process of promoting it. I, on the other hand, am her own personal stylist (as from yesterday) and possibly her future song writer. I think as long as I’m writing, I’ll be happy.

Today I was driving around with my windows down, sticking one hand out into the warm air and listening to the sweet sound of AC/DC. I found a CD with songs I haven’t heard before, while scavenging through my uncle’s collection. I must say, there’s nothing more beautiful than letting go. To just have no cares for even just a few moments is absolutely exhilarating. I remember thinking that if something had to happen there and then, I’d go happily.

But I’m glad nothing did happen, because my parents just paid for my college fees for next year in Cape Town and I’d hate to miss out on that.

But for now, I think its time to catch up on my television viewing. If I can recall correctly, I have Spring Breakdown recorded on the PVR and nothing screams “funny” like grown women getting drunk. So for now, I’ll leave you with this thought… “why do you build me up, buttercup baby, just to let me down? And mess me around? And then worse of all, you say you’ll call baby, but you never will.”

Kthanksbye.

Friday, September 3, 2010

A Brush of Fresh Air

I went and got myself a new toothbrush yesterday. One of those glittery ones with all the cool squiggley things, with the little bumps and even the delicious soft grip. And do you know what was scary? I was so excited to use it! More excited than I’ve been in awhile. And I don’t know about you, but when you’re getting excited about teeth-cleaning-apparatus, something is seriously wrong… and that made me think. I’ve done nothing new, nothing out of the ordinary. And I guess that last night’s sudden burst of excitement could do with the start of my very own blog, which also happened to begin last night (wow what an eventful night I had). So basically what I’m trying to say is that excitement can be just around the corner, as long as you’re open to it.


Sometimes we dig ourselves into these ruts that just get deeper and darker until eventually we can’t remember which way is up. We just have to stop brushing off the possibility of being happy or findig excitement. Because it wants to find you! So go out and get those toothbrushes – electric ones not included – and make your own excitement:)

I Miss You.

And I wonder if she missed the way I smell and the taste of my bubblegum. The way I say “I love you” even when we’re fighting. I wonder if she missed when I used to slow dance with her when we were alone, or that when I sang along to a song, I sang for her. I wonder if she missed the way I touched her face as if it were delicate enough to shatter. I wonder if she missed me when I missed her. When I miss the way she could tell I was sad, from my eyes. How I miss her every imperfection and how she looks in my clothes. I miss how close she’d hold me while I slept. How she loved every part of my body, even the ones I hate. I miss the way she made me feel when our bodies were close enough to be one and how I wished I could get into her head when she danced with her eyes closed. I miss saying goodbye and how I tried to take up every last bit of her. I even miss the way she broke my heart, but fixed it with every smile. But most of all, I miss her heartbeat and how it used to be mine.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

The Warmth Under My Skin

Imagine this: The most beautiful field you've ever seen. Not because of its content, but because of its vastness. We're walking through it. The grass brushes our hands as we puzzle our way deeper. The wind bends the tips. But its the type of Summer breeze that feels almost like a dream. Like it melts away gravity. You can't remember the last time you smelt that scent, the scent of lavender mixed with dryness and sunshine. The scent of childhood.

Its not just a field. its an escape. Spending hours tucked away between the harmless blades of grass, that became to you, your chimes.

And there we lay. On a bed of plaited earth.

The mixture of the sun and sprouts, boast traceable shadows on our faces... I remember seeing your face and thinking it to be the most beautiful mould imaginable... the only place where we're allowed to break away from the haunting fa├žade of society. The only place where we're allowed to be us. Our release.

Only it would be that moment just before sunset. When the sky is electrified into a stream of pinkish-orange and everything that comes into contact with its rays, are immediately brought to life. Its the light that shines right through your soul. The light that flows from my heart, into yours, connecting us with everything. Each other. The sky. Heartbeats. Everything, forever.

I want to take you to that field. You can help me find it. Its already in my heart, we just have to discover it out there...

-For Sale-

Chipped yellow nail polish and a face too pretty to pierce. My heart hangs on the curves of her mouth, dripping stories of a lost lust and faded beats. Her eyes always hid her soul and coloured-in my thoughts and when she spoke... she never said anything, it was her sighs that gave her away. She could carry the world on her brow, but she only cared for scratched records and skinny jeans... and my hollowness disappeared in her heart-framed glasses, only to tell me tales of a girl forgotten. She wore a peace sign as a shield. Enough to penetrate my armour but not enough to hear my whispers. You see, I would have saved her... if the girl wasn't me.

I could say "I'm here and I'm queer," but i've got more class. Kinda.

So this is my first attempt at writing a blog, so just go easy on me you hear?

I basically started a blog because I really enjoy writing and since I'm studying Journalism next year, I could do with a bit of practice and brush off the accumulated rust.

I think I'll just be traditional about this and start with a few things about myself? Yes? Sure, why not.
You might have to keep up as I'm A.D.D and tend to go a tad off course from time to time, but I promise i'll try my best to not stray too far.

uuuuum here's a list of my top things: Rain, tattoos, poetry, Shakespeare, love, crying, not crying, the 60s, Marylin Monroe, music, thunderstorms, kisses and cake, cuddling, neen<3, making people laugh, animals, 90210 and how its so shallow and how I love it for being shallow because eventhough its shallow the people are hot (haha:p), cheese and waffles but not together. Although i've never tried them together...hmmm... cheese and waffles. Cape Town<3 and how it is soon going to be my home<3 and I like a few more things which I just cannot remember due to my A.D.D condition which now prevents me from saying anything decent. Sigh.

I'm going to post a few random things I write. Hate them. Love them. Just please don't swear at me:)

..... Yayeee. My first blog:)