They'll Clap Anyway

By The Arcade Fire
From the Album Neon Bible

***

My body is a cage that keeps me
From dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

My body is a cage that keeps me
From dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

I'm standing on a stage
Of fear and self-doubt
It's a hollow play
But they'll clap anyway

My body is a cage that keeps me
From dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

You're standing next to me
My mind holds the key

I'm living in an age
That calls darkness light
Though my language is dead
Still the shapes fill my head

I'm living in an age
Whose name I don't know
Though the fear keeps me moving
Still my heart beats so slow

My body is a cage that keeps me
From dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

You're standing next to me
My mind holds the key
My body is a

My body is a cage
We take what we're given
Just because you've forgotten
That don't mean you're forgiven

I'm living in an age
That screams my name at night
But when I get to the doorway
There's no one in sight

My body is a cage that keeps me
From dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

You're standing next to me
My mind holds the key

Set my spirit free
Set my spirit free
Set my body free

<3

Home&Love

HOME
-By Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

***

Alabama, Arkansas
I do love my ma and pa
But not the way I do love you
Well, holy moly, me-oh-my, you're the apple of my eye
Girl, I never loved one like you

Man, oh, man, you're my best friend, I'll scream it to the nothingness
There ain't nothin' that I need
Well, hot and heavy, pumpkin pie, chocolate cake and Jesus Christ
Ain't nothin' please me more than you

Home, let me come home
Home is wherever I'm with you
Oh home, yes, I am home
Home is when I'm alone with you

La, la, la, la, take me home
Mother, I'm comin' home

I'll follow you into the park, through the jungle, through the dark
Girl, I never loved one like you
Moats and boats and waterfalls, alley ways and pay-phone calls
I've been everywhere with you, that's true

Laugh until we think we'll die, barefoot on a summer night
Never could be sweeter than with you
And in the streets we're runnin' free like it's only you and me
Jeez, you're somethin' to see

Home, let me come home
Home is wherever I'm with you
Oh home, yes, I am home
Home is when I'm alone with you

La, la, la, la, take me home
Daddy, I'm comin' home

Jane, Alexander
Do you remember that day you fell out of my window?
I sure do, you came jumpin' out after me
Well, you fell on the concrete and nearly broke your ass
And you were bleedin' all over the place and I rushed you off to the hospital
You remember that?
Yes, I do
Well, there's somthin' I never told you about that night
Why didn't you tell me?
While you were sittin' there in the backseat smokin' a cigarette
That you thought was gonna be your last
I was fallin' deep, deeply in love with you and I never told you 'til just now

Home, let me come home
Home is wherever I'm with you
Oh home, yes, I am home
Home is when I'm alone with you

Home, let me come home
Home is wherever I'm with you
Oh home, yes, I am home
Home is when I'm alone with you

Alabama, Arkansas
I do love my ma and pa
Moats and boats and waterfalls
Lay awake 'til break of dawn

Home is wherever I'm with you
Home is when I'm alone with you

<3

Thats What You Are...

Unforgettable
That's what you are
Unforgettable
though near or far

like a song of love
that clings to me
how the thought of you
do those things to me
never before
has someone been more

unforgettable
in every way
and forever more
that's how you'll stay
that's why darling
it's incredible
that someone so unforgettable
thinks that i am unforgettable too

<3

dont.be.weak.

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong"

s.h.a.m.e.f.u.l

Well last night I went right back to high school and ended up in a three-way kiss and with a hickey souvenir. More impressing, might be the fact that its my mom's birthday braai today and I have to face my whole family... How delightful.


Its times like these where I just have to ask... WHEREFORE!?

Home. Oh the warmth.

I surprised everyone back home by coming for a visit. Its my momee's birthday on Sunday and I'm her birthday present:D

Since moving to Cape Town, I haven't experienced any feelings of home-sickness until this last week when I realised I was going to miss my mom's birthday and I couldn't stop thinking about all my friends I had left behind. So when my mom's friend Kelly told me that they're buying my plane ticket as my mom's present I was too excited to live!

I'm so excited to eat FREE food, especially momee's cooking.

I can't wait to see my gorgeous girlfriend and kiss her face right off.

I can't wait to see my Sadie baby and celebrate her birthday with her (its the same day as my momee's)

I can't wait to see my lovely friends who make every day worthwhile, knowing that they're always there for me!

Seeing my babies again and just getting soaked with doggie kisses :D

Although Cape Town is my home, Joburg will always have a piece of my heart. Not because of the place, but because of the people<3

PS - I REALLY want to eat Siân's cupcakes :D

(Side note - I had a permanent smile while writing this post)

Rhodes to Change

Here's a short story I wrote for class. I hope you like it.

***

It’s that time of day when the sky has been electrified into steams of pinkish-orange and everything that comes into contact with its rays, is immediately brought to life. I like coming to Rhodes Memorial for a couple of reasons: Against the architecture, the size of my smaller-than-average self gets lost. Nothing is more gripping than the feeling of being close to non-existence. The other reason appears just after sunset, when the city is revived by specks of swaying lights. There’s that moment just before sunset when the city seems to have fallen asleep and then it awakens into a dance across the horizon, urged on by the seducing lights. There’s no choreography but still they move in perfect synchrony.

Being so high up in the mountains makes it hard for sound to find you. I can only hear the sound of trees and wind as they get caught up in some fight between sky and earth and I find myself following the whirlwind of leaves as they juggle towards the edge. This time they’re met by a female figure and play with her hair before they finally descend. My attention lingers on her rigid frame that at the same time, loosens up as she lifts both arms out in a crucifying form.

“Don’t! Don’t jump!” I find myself screaming before I’ve even had a chance to process what’s going on. She shoots her head at me with a face abused by tears.

“Leave me alone. Please.” She squeezes out between sobs.

“I don’t think I’d be able to walk away, knowing there’s a girl standing on the edge of a mountain with one foot already dangling over,” I stutter in an attempt to find something more reassuring to say, “and I think I was here first anyway.” I hold my breath and climb up onto the edge where she’s standing.

“What the hell are you doing? Get back down!” But instead of listening to what she says, I look straight ahead and sigh at the beautiful view, while trying to ignore the fact that I am standing on the edge of a mountain.

“Thanks for joining me, I wasn’t sure if you were going to make it,” I say as I motion for her to join me in sitting down with my feet dangling above the dark drop. Something in her face softens and she obliges. I keep to my aloof character and search for something constructive to say. “So – “

“What are you doing?” she asks and before I think of some witty comeback I look at her face. It’s partially lit by the moon and by a golden spot light that overlooks the area. The combination of the two light sources on her face makes her look like she’s super human. But that could just be her strikingly big eyes that look deep enough to be holding the ocean, or that the ocean may have even spilled from them. I sat there for what seemed like a life time, staring,  but my silence didn’t bother her, it was almost as if she was taking refuge in my sympathetic gaze, that, or she could tell that I was more intrigued in what she had to say rather than anything I could ever think to speak.

“Michelle,” she says without moving her eyes from mine. “My name is Michelle.” Now that her voice had calmed, I noticed the most perfect softness in it, like the voice of a child being reprimanded by a parent. It felt alien to have kept eye contact like this for as long as we had and I felt my head pull forward.

“You can call me Jess.”

She echoes my name back with a smile, “Jess.”

“You know, according to ancient beliefs, if someone is standing on the edge of a cliff, something might be upsetting them.” I wonder if humour is the right way to handle this, but settle with it anyway, “but that’s just according to ancient beliefs.”

“God, I’m going to sound so pathetic to you.” Pathetic doesn’t even cross my mind. “It feels weird to even be saying this out loud! I think – no, I know – that I’m gay. I also know that there is no way in hell that my parents will accept it.” I try keeping my face mutual but it’s hard when I’m surprised and confused at the same time. I’ve seen lesbians before and they don’t look anything like her. I take another look at her: she’s tiny, not in a child-like way though, more petit. Her hair falls down her back the way the clouds sometimes linger down the mountain, in a colour that reminds me of freshly baked brownies. Having long hair alone, goes against the stereotype of lesbians that I’m used to seeing.

“That’s hardly worth jumping off a mountain. I know people who are just dying to be lesbian. Consider yourself lucky,” I find myself saying anything to encourage a smile, a smile strangely intriguing. I am successful and I linger on it longer than necessary.

“So is that your thing? Being the funny one?”

“No, I only use my humour on suicidal teens and aging superheroes.”

She laughs, “I wasn’t actually going to do it. I was thinking about it but knowing me, I wouldn’t even get suicide right.” How can such a strikingly beautiful girl have such a low self esteem? “What about you?”

“Oh no, I always thought my way out would be with a bottle of pills instead.”

“No, I mean what is your story? Who is Jess?”

“I never really know how to answer that. I guess, my story is still being written. I moved here to discover that all out for myself and I’m still waiting for answers. I think one of the reasons I left Johannesburg was to rid myself of all labels and just start my age of independence with a clean slate. I also heard Cape Town often has girls threatening to jump off the edge and I couldn’t just stand by and let it happen.”

“Do you ever take anything seriously?”

“Well my mom always used to tell me, “The only thing you should ever take seriously, is cheese” and I follow that advice wholeheartedly. There’s just so much more to cheese than meets the eye.” She gives me a comforting laugh and my eyes start to mirror the smile in her eyes. “Life is only going in one direction and I think that leaves us with too little time to be serious.”

“I wish I could have your attitude. I think the only thing my mother taught me was to be a cynic. I’ve spent my whole life looking for all the bad in the world. Maybe I should spend more time with you.” I can’t decide whether the tone in that last part is reassuring or seducing.

“Au contraire, you might regret having said that. I can’t turn this off, this divine sense of humour I’ve been blessed with. You have to be sure it’s what you want because there’s no turning back.” The smile I now received was more for herself than for me, like an acceptance of what I had said and almost a promise to herself.

I couldn’t tell you how much time had gone past. We sat there, side by side, just watching the dancing lights and found a comforter in the silence. Every so often I would catch myself smiling. The wind has picked up and I edge closer to her for shelter. “What are you going to do about your parents?”

“I honestly. Don’t. know.” There’s such a stillness in her, “I’m afraid they’re going to stop loving me. That sounds so naïve doesn’t it? “Stop loving me.” But for me to think that it’s a possibility must mean something? It doesn’t feel unconditional like they way it should.”

I don’t know what to say back. Some part of me wants to tell her that she’s too beautiful not to be loved, but then I’ll sound naïve. The best I can come up with is, “tell them anyway. No good has come from sitting around thinking of the worst. Tell them and also tell them how you feel. They should be proud to have such a beautiful daughter who’s brave enough to accept who she is.” She doesn’t say anything but I can see the corners of her mouth turn up. “A smile?”

“You think I’m beautiful…”

My chest starts to warm up. although I can’t see it, I’m sure I’ve gone red from my neck  all the way through to my cheeks. There’s a pull towards her that I can’t explain. I’ve never thought of girl in this way and I’m sure I won’t think of any others this way either. My body is in shock and my feet have gone numb. I raise my hand to her face and I pull her hair out the way of her eyes. Even if I tried to stop myself, I don’t think I could. I lower my face to hers and I let the feeling of her breath brush my lips. For the longest time we’re frozen there, swallowing everything that has happened. I want to open my eyes, just to look at her again but she intercepts my decision by bringing her lips to mine.

Her lips aren’t what I’m used to, they’re fuller and softer. For a second I’m stunned, what am I doing? But before I can answer, I start kissing her back. The hand holding me up suddenly has warm fingers wrapping around it and she pulls away to whisper, “Let’s get off this ledge.”

What Talent

It is to be said that the lesbian community in Cape Town has so many pretty girls!

On Saturday I thought I'd be brave an attend my first all-girl lesbian party (Lush) in Cape Town and I was shocked at what I saw. In Johannesburg, the all-girl parties are anything but that, with very manly looking girls and almost no girls that I find attractive. But it is the complete opposite here! Obviously there are still butch girls, but I couldn't believe how many lesbians had long hurrs :D

I think its safe to say that Cape Town is delicious in every way. Yawza. I can't wait for the next party :D

Dreams, Dreams wherefore art thou Dreams?

Dreams... What funny, funny things. Almost hilarious (heavy undertones of sarcasm here)

I've been having such... Um... Interesting dreams of late. I wish I knew what they meant and I wish some were true. There's nothing worse than waking up from a dream and realsing it wasn't real, "wherefore art thou Dreams?" and not reality? WHEREFORE?!?!?

*I much prefer saying wherefore instead of why. Its salty:)

But back to the dreams. There have been a few occasions where I have picked up the girl in my dream and just carried her. What the heck does that mean? Why am I just randomly carrying girls? That's probably the most awkward thing I've done in my dreams(Reality Jen is shaking her head at Dream Jen)

In my other dreams, I keep getting answers(in the dream) from someone I would really like answers from(in real life) and its so easing, finally finding out why things are the way they are and then being at peace with it all, only to wake up and realise it wasn't even real. Sigh. So disheartening.

ANYWAY!

I also find it incredibly ironic how someone can go around preaching about people being friends and how there shouldn't be time to fight or hold grudges and then they do the exact same thing to you. If you're going to be the spokesperson of Forgiveness, than at least put some of it to practise:)


***

I've only now realised how little sense this post makes and I do apologise (I promise its a lot clearer when its in my head)
I'm going on a delicious picnic tomorrow with some bitchin' homies and I'm tres excited. We're going to Kirstenbosch to watch aKing and just roll around in the sun and have G&Ts (not the Gin and Tonic variety, more the Giggles and Tickles kind) (yes I made that up all by myself)

Okay I'm going to stop.