Under My Skin: January 2012

This is going to be a long one so bare with me…

I’d like to start this journey from the end of 2010, if you’ll allow me.

It’s no secret that 2010 was a tough year on my heart. I was in a very disastrous relationship and I can’t recall a moment when my heart was fully functional or not constantly in pain. And around November, all of that came to an end. I rekindled old friendships and made a conscious decision to make up for lost time and I brought in the year 2011 in Cape Town, making a new start and building up a new person from the ground up.

Like any start, things were shaky (perhaps ‘unstable’ is a better term) and I became more aware of the word, ‘loneliness’ as I could feel it in my very core. There are so many things we can do to appear fulfilled but then it’s just that, an appearance of fulfillment. So I went out and got drunk and made friends and wrote down things and erased things, I walked a lot and ate even more and somewhere in the middle of my loneliness, I found myself. I discovered that I’m a sensitive person. I say mean things when I don’t mean them and I’m not happy unless I’m making people laugh. I look for acceptance in everything I do and I fall in love with every girl who gives me the slightest bit of attention. I can be ebullient one minute and then quiet and insecure the next. I feel, actually I know, I have issues that need addressing but the pile seems overwhelming and I’m scared that if I attempt to fix things, it’s all going to come tumbling down on me. What a pitiful way to lose grip, drowning in one’s own demons. So for now I’ll look at the pile from a safe distance, knowing in the back of my mind that if I can’t face it, no one who loves me will be able to either (forever alone haha).

But in the midst of finding Jenique, I got to find a few dear souls who made 2011 a friendlier place to be.

Sarah Scrimgeour: It’s the cheeks! They’re devilishly cute! No but really, if ‘cheek to heart’ ratio were a real thing, I could firmly believe that Sarah has the biggest heart of them all. I’ve yet to meet someone (especially a girl) who is as easy to get along with, unpretentious and down to earth as Sarah. We got to spend time together for the first time at Ram Fest and we ended up on a see-saw, calling out a certain good-looking boy’s name and stealing umbrellas. Soon after, I became a permanent fixture in the HBK (Sarah’s house) and I spent almost 80% of my time with her. Memories of us never leaving The Assembly sober, midnight McDonalds runs and watching Vampire Diaries, Glee, Modern Family and Cougar Time (with the exception of Dexter *cough bitch cough*) with an unspoken agreement of friendship that was solidly digging its roots into everything I do. Sarah, I love you. No matter what I do, you’re never far from my fond thoughts and reminiscings. I take lessons of your kindness and willingness to accept people as they are and try to be a better person. If I have to live another 50 years with you as my makeshift, pseudo girlfriend, I’ll be just fine. Thank you for letting me in and for never judging my mood swings, inclination for nastiness and for going along with my crazy impulses to choose movie snacks by simply walking into the shop and pointing. “I know your body!” and I can’t wait to find Mr. Boots and rehabilitate her out of her sultriness.

Come home soon<3

Robert Davidson: Pretty unlikely right? Well as unlikely as this friendship seems, I’m glad it happened. At first, our friendship consisted of going out and getting horribly drunk. It then upgraded to going to movies and now I can happily say that I take great comfort in spending days with Rob, talking about how bitches are crazy, while listening to music and sharing some cane. I got to see a side of Rob that I don’t think many do and I realised that all I have to do is ask and he’ll be there. I know that when he’s listening to me, he’s doing it free of judgment and he’s one of the few people I feel completely comfortable around. Rob, thank you for being a friend and putting up with Breaking Dawn premiers and being someone to talk to. I love you.

Kieran Frost: I don’t think I’ve ever given anyone as hard a time as I’ve given poor Kiki. But I think that he knows that I have nothing but love for him. I don’t think anyone truly understand the extent of my hilarity quite like Kieran does. He puts up with my terrible moods and appreciates my sarcasm more than anyone should. He wrote a song about me, which is probably the best thing anyone has ever done for me and he will hopefully be performing it at my 21^st. This man is endlessly talented with his writing, intelligence and capacity to love. I hold him very dear to me and I hope that life has great things in store for him. Thank you for welcoming me into the HBK and for having a never bending soft spot for me. I appreciate it and you more than you know. Please don’t ever change, you’re perfect the way you are and I love you.

Alez: the girl who will endlessly intimidate me with her talented way with words, effortless coolness and her passion for things unnoticed. This girl inspired me every day in class to try be a better writer and Journalist. From the small town of East London, her heart is without limitations and her drive is ever-moving. I think between the two of us, you will never find bigger cynicists but you’ll also never find a softer soul. With our struggles with money and willingness to give our last pennies away, I think we found in each other a similarity and weakness. I owe a lot of my accomplishments of 2011 to her encouragement and guidance and I hope that our paths are never far from crossing. Babezies, stay beautiful, I love you.

2011 was not only a year of making new friendships but also rediscovering old ones. People like, Franki, Asbo, Candice Dayton, Klara, Devin, Pano, Kirsten, Polly, Candance, Leni, Lauren and Natalie who I found a deep appreciation and love for. Even though we may not speak every day or see each other often, imprints of you guys remain unchanged and I hope that as everyone grows up and finds themselves, they’ll still find time to work on our friendship because I love each and every one of you, always.

And last but not least, I have my two best friends, Odete and Claudia who have been there to a degree that no one else would have understood. You are so beautiful and have made me feel that I don’t have to be a product of my unpleasant past. We can make fun of each other which verges on utter bitchiness but we can still laugh it off and I think that’s so important. You have put up with my last-minute plans during my returns to Joburg and there’s no one else I enjoy getting drunk with. Jesus, you sluts are sexy. I hope we’ll be friends for pretty much eternity because life is boring as shit without you. P.S – I hope you guys are working on your speeches for my 21^st.

Here’s a few moments that made 2011 a sad and great time and mostly, memorable: