Realisation.

I think the moment I knew I had feelings for you, it was an irrevocable love. I was young, but this love has matured with me and instead of starving it and cutting it loose, it was constantly fed by every daydream I had of you (I still have those by the way. Through everything, I end up with you in the end). And I think of how we were and it was silly and brief and since I let you go, I can’t help but plot every other scenario that could have, that should have, happened. We hardly talk but that doesn’t matter. Because you’re like that ink stain on the thigh of my jeans. You’re like every stain. A stain that I want to lift to my lips and inhale, to catch little fragments of, long after you’re gone. I’d scratch my fingertips raw to catch you under my nails. And then there’s your nails and how you bite them and how you wish you didn’t but I think it’s as endearing as your fake giggle. God. You’re so beautiful, it aches me to look at you. But I can’t stop because I’m sucker for you. I have to remind myself not to stare and to never let my hand linger on any part of you longer than it should (which is like trying to prevent my face from getting wet when all I want is to taste the rain). Even when my life was consumed with [her] and she was everything I wanted, I’d still see a future with you. The only future that has ever made sense. Like I met you at the wrong time (God, that sounds so cliché) and I apologise for knowing you now and not when the time is right. But I’m not sorry that I know you because I love you irrevocably and as far as I’m concerned, nothing else matters. And I’ll probably spend the rest of my life, wandering around just as hopeless as I am now, believing that love is all you need. And in the back of my mind I’ll know I’m right because…well…to me, you’re my love, baby.

Undeserving

She lies (what seems like) miles away but even as I drift into sleep, I feel her body inch closer. There's a knocking at my heart and I awake to see her hair creeping onto the pillow where I'm trying to forget about her. All attempts crushed when I hear her breathing from below the covers and I feel my defences melt away. In her state of sleep she pulls the covers down to reveal the feline curves of her mouth. In that second I want to put my lips on hers, steal back all the breaths she robbed from me and then happily trade them back for another kiss. But I can't. I can't kiss her. I can't tell her that I want to know everything about her. I can't tell her that while she's talking to me about another, all I can think of is how perfectly her eyebrows sit above her shallow-water blue eyes, the way a boat floats atop the gentle waves close to shore. And how I want to run my fingers down the side of her face to see if it's as perfect as it looks. I can't tell her that when I see her crying, I want to lay her in bed and place her head over my heart. How I know she can't possibly want me or like me or need me, but how I convince myself she does, just to fall asleep at night. How I notice everyone else in the room watching her and how I hate that they got to share that moment, they got to soak her in. Mostly I'd like to tell her how I'd try anything to steal her heart but I don't trust myself with it. So as I watch her chest lift and drop while she sleeps, I rest my head back on my pillow, close my eyes and try remind myself that I don't deserve her. I never will.

The Untouchable

Tagged to a faceless name, hooked before I had a chance to make her up. Her eyes swallowed by flames, the water that cools, washes away, but never drowns. But in her I am sinking. Like a tsunami, it comes at the wrong time. And where I was standing firm, the debris of forgotten ego and childish charm drifts around me. Like gripping at the sky, my palms laced with her scent but never her heart. A heart on the shelf in another's room. And now the colour of my sights have been stolen away, brought back with every tide led by the upturned corner of her lips. I watch her being carried away by a former wave and from my point on a surrounded rock, I can only pray for a bigger moon. And so here I am, waiting to be resubmerged. Waiting. Always waiting.

2011 – a year of moving and standing still

This is going to be a long one so bare with me…

I’d like to start this journey from the end of 2010, if you’ll allow me.

It’s no secret that 2010 was a tough year on my heart. I was in a very disastrous relationship and I can’t recall a moment when my heart was fully functional or not constantly in pain. And around November, all of that came to an end. I rekindled old friendships and made a conscious decision to make up for lost time and I brought in the year 2011 in Cape Town, making a new start and building up a new person from the ground up.

Like any start, things were shaky (perhaps ‘unstable’ is a better term) and I became more aware of the word, ‘loneliness’ as I could feel it in my very core. There are so many things we can do to appear fulfilled but then it’s just that, an appearance of fulfillment. So I went out and got drunk and made friends and wrote down things and erased things, I walked a lot and ate even more and somewhere in the middle of my loneliness, I found myself. I discovered that I’m a sensitive person. I say mean things when I don’t mean them and I’m not happy unless I’m making people laugh. I look for acceptance in everything I do and I fall in love with every girl who gives me the slightest bit of attention. I can be ebullient one minute and then quiet and insecure the next. I feel, actually I know, I have issues that need addressing but the pile seems overwhelming and I’m scared that if I attempt to fix things, it’s all going to come tumbling down on me. What a pitiful way to lose grip, drowning in one’s own demons. So for now I’ll look at the pile from a safe distance, knowing in the back of my mind that if I can’t face it, no one who loves me will be able to either (forever alone haha).

But in the midst of finding Jenique, I got to find a few dear souls who made 2011 a friendlier place to be.

Sarah Scrimgeour: It’s the cheeks! They’re devilishly cute! No but really, if ‘cheek to heart’ ratio were a real thing, I could firmly believe that Sarah has the biggest heart of them all. I’ve yet to meet someone (especially a girl) who is as easy to get along with, unpretentious and down to earth as Sarah. We got to spend time together for the first time at Ram Fest and we ended up on a see-saw, calling out a certain good-looking boy’s name and stealing umbrellas. Soon after, I became a permanent fixture in the HBK (Sarah’s house) and I spent almost 80% of my time with her. Memories of us never leaving The Assembly sober, midnight McDonalds runs and watching Vampire Diaries, Glee, Modern Family and Cougar Time (with the exception of Dexter *cough bitch cough*) with an unspoken agreement of friendship that was solidly digging its roots into everything I do. Sarah, I love you. No matter what I do, you’re never far from my fond thoughts and reminiscings. I take lessons of your kindness and willingness to accept people as they are and try to be a better person. If I have to live another 50 years with you as my makeshift, pseudo girlfriend, I’ll be just fine. Thank you for letting me in and for never judging my mood swings, inclination for nastiness and for going along with my crazy impulses to choose movie snacks by simply walking into the shop and pointing. “I know your body!” and I can’t wait to find Mr. Boots and rehabilitate her out of her sultriness.

Come home soon<3

Robert Davidson: Pretty unlikely right? Well as unlikely as this friendship seems, I’m glad it happened. At first, our friendship consisted of going out and getting horribly drunk. It then upgraded to going to movies and now I can happily say that I take great comfort in spending days with Rob, talking about how bitches are crazy, while listening to music and sharing some cane. I got to see a side of Rob that I don’t think many do and I realised that all I have to do is ask and he’ll be there. I know that when he’s listening to me, he’s doing it free of judgment and he’s one of the few people I feel completely comfortable around. Rob, thank you for being a friend and putting up with Breaking Dawn premiers and being someone to talk to. I love you.

Kieran Frost: I don’t think I’ve ever given anyone as hard a time as I’ve given poor Kiki. But I think that he knows that I have nothing but love for him. I don’t think anyone truly understand the extent of my hilarity quite like Kieran does. He puts up with my terrible moods and appreciates my sarcasm more than anyone should. He wrote a song about me, which is probably the best thing anyone has ever done for me and he will hopefully be performing it at my 21^st. This man is endlessly talented with his writing, intelligence and capacity to love. I hold him very dear to me and I hope that life has great things in store for him. Thank you for welcoming me into the HBK and for having a never bending soft spot for me. I appreciate it and you more than you know. Please don’t ever change, you’re perfect the way you are and I love you.

Alez: the girl who will endlessly intimidate me with her talented way with words, effortless coolness and her passion for things unnoticed. This girl inspired me every day in class to try be a better writer and Journalist. From the small town of East London, her heart is without limitations and her drive is ever-moving. I think between the two of us, you will never find bigger cynicists but you’ll also never find a softer soul. With our struggles with money and willingness to give our last pennies away, I think we found in each other a similarity and weakness. I owe a lot of my accomplishments of 2011 to her encouragement and guidance and I hope that our paths are never far from crossing. Babezies, stay beautiful, I love you.

2011 was not only a year of making new friendships but also rediscovering old ones. People like, Franki, Asbo, Candice Dayton, Klara, Devin, Pano, Kirsten, Polly, Candance, Leni, Lauren and  Natalie who I found a deep appreciation and love for. Even though we may not speak every day or see each other often, imprints of you guys remain unchanged and I hope that as everyone grows up and finds themselves, they’ll still find time to work on our friendship because I love each and every one of you, always.

And last but not least, I have my two best friends, Odete and Claudia who have been there to a degree that no one else would have understood. You are so beautiful and have made me feel that I don’t have to be a product of my unpleasant past. We can make fun of each other which verges on utter bitchiness but we can still laugh it off and I think that’s so important. You have put up with my last-minute plans during my returns to Joburg and there’s no one else I enjoy getting drunk with. Jesus, you sluts are sexy. I hope we’ll be friends for pretty much eternity because life is boring as shit without you. P.S – I hope you guys are working on your speeches for my 21^st.

Here’s a few moments that made 2011 a sad and great time and mostly, memorable:

• -          The festivals: Ramfest, Rocking the Daisies, Synergy
• -          Sangria Sundays at Fratellis
• -          Brief romances which didn’t ever end well
• -          Odete falling in Greenside
• -          Meeting Jonathan Rhys Meyers
• -          Falling in love with Natalie Portman and Florence
• -          Having feelings for friends :/
• -          Wearing bowties
• -          Kings of Leon. Twice.
• -          Moving on from a draining relationship
• -          Halloween at Town Hall
• -          Ceremonials
• -          Discovering Twitter
• -          LOL cats
• -          Getting all my clothes stolen
• -          Discovering a dislike for lesbians resulting in me being forever alone
• -          Kisses boys. Lots of them. and having a fake boyfriend.
• -          Hyperbole and a Half
• -          Heritage Day with never ending cocktails
• -          Rediscovering my love for words
• -          Being irrevocably fascinated with Marilyn Monroe and Audrey Hepburn
• -          “U mad bro?” “I aint even mad!”
• -          Fighting with Meagan and then becoming, like, best friends.

And then a few songs that stole my heart:

• -          Big Jet Plane by Angus & Julia Stone
• -          No One’s Gonna Love You by Band of Horses
• -          What If by Bombay Bicycle Club
• -          Skinny Love and Flume by Bon Iver
• -          Just Like Heaven by The Cure
• -          Dance, You’re on Fire<3
• -          Home by Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros
• -          Landslide by Fleetwood Mac
• -          Almost every song by Florence + The Machine
• -          Violet by Hole
• -          Don’t Stop Believing by Journey
• -          Simple Math by Manchester Orchestra
• -          Iron by Woodkid
• -          Calendar by Panic! At the Disco
• -          Crazy by Patsy Cline
• -          Scar Tissue by Red Hot Chilli Peppers
• -          Hero by Regina Spektor
• -          Kiss Me by Sixpence None the Richer
• -          Something Good Can Work by Two Door Cinema Club
• -          Dance So Good by Wakey! Wakey!

I hope that 2012 triumphs 2011 and makes more good blogging. I have a lot to be grateful for and a few new friendships I have high hopes for.

Thank you for tuning in, you’re beautiful<3

Loyalty to Florence

When I found out that my favourite artist was releasing a new album I did a lot of things, most which cannot be explain, things like moonwalking, phantom wrestling and spit-bubble blowing. I guess my body reacted in an unprecedented manner partly because never have I anticipated an album quite like this before.

For the first time ever (which I'm ashamed to admit) I made a deal with myself and with Florence Welch that i would have my first listen to her album when i could physically hold, touch, lick the actual CD.

As it lay on my lap, shiny with the unbroken, plastic covering, I reached my hand up, bent it back and pat myself on the back. I had made it through all the "I can put it on a disc for you," "Just download it," "It's incredible, just give it a little listen" and for that I think the back pat is well in reason.

I have yet to listen to every song, taking my time to go through each one and appreciate it for what it is: a masterpiece. But I can tell that this is not the last time I'm going to write about it, or talk about it, or even blatantly admire it. Oh no. This journey is about to begin and I feel like I'm holding the golden ticket.

Here it is in its two disc glory:D

Flo and my Heart

God, I get chills<3

Can you even handle it?

I just experienced one of the best weekends of my life.


Townhall on Friday was the tits. I can't remember most of the costumes I saw but I know my babes looked bitchin' - All of them!

I got to spend time with an old friend, little Asbo and it felt like the good ol' days, you know? Just being drunk and laughing and running around.

On Saturday I went to Kings of Leon for the second time and I got to spend it with my best friend and although I couldn't cry because apparently I'm incapable of doing so these days, I was sobbing with happiness on the inside.

It rained during the encore and in that moment I was the happiest I've been for as long as I can remember.

I got to see most the people who mean something to me and I got to hang out with my babe of a mother, who made me a great deal of home cooked food to bring back. I told you she was a babe.

It felt pretty shitty coming back because I didn't get to see everyone and I know a weekend isn't nearly enough time to cure the blues but I'll be back soon.

So for now, I love you guys. See you in a bit<3